On realizations. And the much needed change/s.

[dusk037]

This IS long, but I trust hope trust you will take the time to read it.

...

"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes."

"Always aim at complete harmony of thought and word and deed. Always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well."

"An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching."

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves."

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."

"Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances."

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

"We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts?"

--Mohandas Gandhi

...

Ganked those from the lovely steinsgrrl. I was reading her post and it got me thinking...


Things happened recently and I now know that... as I am, I'm more of a liability than a friend.

I know that something's wrong with me and that I should change it. I was (or still am?) stuck in the mentality that I should change to gain the approval of those around me; and with that in mind, I was never able to move forward. With my insecurities, and the thought of not being able to please, I kept on doing the same (wrong) thing that back then... I didn't know (or won't accept) that were wrong.

Thankfully, I had someone --who shares somewhat similar insecurities as I do-- tell me that I should not aim to please. That I should change not for the people who thinks (or in my case, knows) that I should; but, that I should do it for me.

So yeah. I'm going to take this leap. For myself. For the better.

I should be strong... but my definition of the word is not ideal for the change that I'm going to do. I suffered blows to my self-esteem before and I haven't really gotten over those yet. I find I can't forgive myself for the mistakes I  made/make, because I don't feel worthy of anything. So... I need to learn to forgive myself, before anything else; as based on this: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

I need to do this for myself, and I should deal with myself on my own... but I'm not going to deny: I need friends. I understand if you want to get away from me, faulty/weak/insecure/burden as I am, but I'm not going to pretend it won't hurt. I need friends now, more than ever, to stay with me. And I need someone I can trust to kick me (but gently, please!), when I do fall away.

It'll be hard, and oh soooooo frustrating, because patience is not my virtue. It will be tough and it will not happen overnight; hell, I know I may --once in a while-- fall off the wagon.



If you made it until here, then, thank you. Take a cookie. And have my heart.

Comments

[lirren]

I'm proud of you, even though I don't really know what precipitated this. But I know you can do it honey. *snuggles you hard*

[dusk037]

You won't be proud of me if you knew. I made a huge mistake which in my view point, is unforgivable. But I'm trying to get over it first, so I can make a start.

Thank you, dear. *snuggles right back*

[ninaelisabeth.livejournal.com]

Aw, you. ♥

I am sure, and confident, that you will get wherever you want to go. If you set your mind on being the person you want to be, you can.

[dusk037.livejournal.com]

Thank you. <3

I wish I had that much faith in myself. It's one of the things I need to work on. ._.

[ninaelisabeth.livejournal.com]

<3

You can do it. ♥

[steinsgrrl.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, I love you. You will change the way you think you should, in your time. I just posted those quotes because I love them and because I really want to remind myself that, that is how I want to live. I think you're beautiful and amazing, and I wish you saw that in you, too. <3

[dusk037.livejournal.com]

I love you, too.

You have no idea how very timely that post was. It came at a time when I was going crazy over something, and it gave me a start. Maybe I'll start seeing what you do see... and at the same time, I'll improve... in my time. I have to be patient (which is a challenge in itself XDD).

Thanks so much.

[dellymo.livejournal.com]

i don't know how to express to you how alike we are... but know that it's really brave that you're doing something about your insecurities and trying to take charge of your life again. and that you're announcing it. people have always told me that i just need to believe in myself. in time i think you'll come to do the same. <3

and know that i'm not going anywhere. :)

[dusk037.livejournal.com]

I wrote it down and posted it here so I could use it as a reference... a reminder for when I begin to slip into my downward tendencies.

I'm working on it, the believing in myself part, but it's tough. I hope I'll get there, though.

And thank you. <3